“Happy is a person who finds wisdom
and who acquires understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver, 
and her revenue is better than gold.
She is more precious than jewels;
nothing you desire compares with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left, riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant, 
and all her paths, peaceful.
She is a tree of life to those who embrace her, 
and those who hold on to her are happy.” Proverbs 3:13-18

“My dream is for my children to be confident in who they are and love themselves.”

“My dream is for my children to be safe and healthy.”

“My dream is for my children to chase their dreams, whatever they may be.”

Most of us, especially the parents, have heard people make these claims or maybe have made them ourselves. It is a natural thing to have goals for your kids, even from the time they were in the womb or were a mere thought floating around in the heavens. Beyond keeping them alive, which is as much as we can ask for those first few months, we have dreams for them that go beyond the merely physical or personal accomplishments. 

Good parents, at the end of the day, don’t care about their kids being the smartest, most handsome, or most athletic. Sure, we are always proud of what they do, but infinitely more important to us is who they are. What we want for them, which echoes in the sentiments above, at its most basic, is for them to be happy.

I have been thinking about this for awhile now because it plays out so loudly in the world if we pay attention. There are countless parenting styles and approaches, and they almost all stem from the same core desire to see our children have the happiest, best lives possible. Go to any park, public place, or gathering of family or friends — every parent is making some effort, great or small, to ensure a happy outcome for as many people in his or her family as possible. The mom narrating, praising, or coddling. The dad playing, scolding, or doting. The parent at home or at work. The one tuned in, and the one disassociated. They are all dreaming of optimizing their child’s happiness, no matter how “good” or “bad” a job they are doing.

The problem is not that we want our kids to be happy. It is not even our different philosophies on how to get there, although some of them can be a symptom of a deeper false belief. The problem is when we misunderstand what true happiness really is and where it comes from. This has the power to shape the way we parent into something completely set apart and set above the way the rest of the world operates. We say we don’t want our kids to feel the need to conform to the world’s standards. Well, this is how we do it. (Any other form of nonconformity, by the way, is actually conformity.)

God’s Word tells us plain and simple: the way to happiness is wisdom. The Book of Proverbs was written by King Solomon to his son or children. Solomon is famously known as the wisest person to ever live, and the words recorded in his book are what he settled on as the worthiest to pass down to his progeny. He recognized happiness is every person’s dream and every parent’s dream for his or her children, and he told us how to get there.

We would like to think that happiness is found in autonomy and self-actualization. The prevalence of this belief is evident in parenting styles across the board. Parents who let their children have their own way because they are afraid of the fallout. Parents who avoid making their children do things that are hard or that they don’t want to do. Parents who overinsert themselves into their kids’ identities. Parents who yell because that seems like the fastest way to solve a problem for their kid. Parents who let cultural depravity creep in because “it’s just who they are, and I’m not going to shame them for that.”

None of these ways leads to true happiness. Coddling your child builds neither confidence nor resilience. Being harsh to make them conform does not get to the heart of the matter. Letting kids have exposure to untold sin through their devices, or letting them “express themselves” with foul language and music, sexualized clothing and makeup, and any pursuit of an identity that transgresses the natural and good boundaries God set up in His Word for our freedom — these things CANNOT bring true happiness. 

Just look around at the people in your life, the ones who are truly, deeply happy and settled, and the ones who go from turmoil to turmoil, or who seem happy on the surface, but deep down they wrestle within themselves. What is the difference? Truly happy people are wise. They are clear-headed, purpose-driven, disciplined. Can people possess these qualities without knowing God? I would argue that when this seems to be the case, it is still only a surface-level happiness, despite that surface having a few more layers to it. Deep down, though, I believe those who don’t have the firm foundation of Jesus still wrestle with true meaning and purpose, which is incompatible with true happiness.

Practically speaking, how do we obtain wisdom and how do we gift it to our children? That is the first step: understanding that wisdom is the best gift we can give our kids. If we don’t really think the wisdom is more valuable than the trinkets, the fun, or the momentary peace, we won’t persevere when it is harder to give wisdom than to give those things. I get a sense from many parents that No = Bad and should be avoided at all costs. I actually think a right, timely, and assured No is good, and a good gift we can give our children. Proverbs says that the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord. This is not a fear that stems from abuse of power; this is awe and reverence in the face of power’s only Source. 

In a sense, this fear is a No. No, you are not God. No, you have nothing apart from what He gives. No, you are nothing except dust and dry bones until He enters the scene. We need to understand these No’s are good gifts from a good Father, and that they actually yield a better Yes. He shows us where we are lacking rather than letting us believe everything we need can be found within our autonomous selves. Our children should have to face their frailty, sinfulness, and mortality in age-appropriate ways. Our children should not go around believing they are little gods unto themselves and of their families. How cruel would a parent be to send a child to school telling them their lunch is in their backpack knowing they will sit down when it’s time to eat…with nothing? Even more so, to paint a picture for them their whole lives in the way we parent them that all of life’s meaning is up to them to decide and that the answer is always yes, when they will they will never find happiness that way in this life, nor will they come to the Day when every knee bows willingly and gratefully!

For my children, I want them to be happy. But not the “happiness” of screens and sugar, of flattery and sensuality, of acceptance and pride. I want them to be happy by knowing and walking closely with the One who made them — and the way to do that is through the Truth of what the Bible tells us about Him and about ourselves.

The tenets in Proverbs are simple and straightforward, but they are not easy. I was raised by two very wise people and so was my husband, so we grew up with these truths. I realize not everyone had that privilege. I will list some of Proverbs’ directives here to give us (myself as much as anyone) a guide to help us stay on the right track:

-Fear the Lord (1:7)

-Listen (1:8)

-Don’t go with the sinners (1:10-19)

-Search for wisdom like hidden treasure (2:1-6)

-Follow the way of good people (2:20)

-Obey your parents (3:1)

-Be loyal and faithful (3:3)

-Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding (3:5)

-Don’t withhold good from the one it belongs to (3:27)

-Don’t plan any harm against your neighbor (3:29)

-Don’t accuse anyone without cause (3:30)

-Don’t envy an oppressor (3:31)

-Carefully consider the path for your feet (4:26)

-Keep far away from the forbidden woman (5:8)

-Take pleasure in your own wife (5:18)

-Don’t be ensnared by your own words (6:2-3)

-Be prudent and hardworking (6:6-11)

-Be honest (6:12-15)

-Don’t be arrogant (6:16)

-Don’t shed innocent blood (6:17)

-Don’t plot wicked schemes (6:18)

-Don’t stir up trouble (6:19)