No combination of circumstances, however worthy, calls for an adult to befriend a minor. For too long, the Church has under-evaluated the vulnerability of young people in conversations about evangelizing youth. The allure to “get them while they’re young” is almost too obvious to mention, yet the ethics of what that entails get lost in both the hullabaloo of large youth group events as well as in the small, discreet settings where ministers or volunteers interface with children. (I use the word “children” as opposed to “teenagers” to include anyone under the age of 18, and also to remind myself and my audience — presumably adults — of the faculties and capacities of minors. I do not mean to insenuate that high schoolers and even middle schoolers are not capable of higher level thinking and reasoning, or that they do not carry the same authority, gifts, or callings in Christ as the rest of believers. I only mean to highlight the gap between those in power in this particular dynamic and those who are not responsible for knowing better.) 

Culpability seems at least worth mentioning at the outset. Millenia of Christians have pondered the “age of responsibility,” or the age at which the guilt of a person’s sin can fully rest on his or her own shoulders. While I believe this happens somewhere in the teenage years, science tells us human brains continue to develop into adulthood and many in their early and mid-twenties have only just been fully formed. Therefore, complex reasoning and decision making are still ambivalent and in need of guidance.

Two conclusions can be reached from here: 1) a young person is unable to make a fully formed decision about age-appropriate relationships, and 2) godly mentorship is necessary, but it should start in the home, and if that isn’t available, in same-sex group dynamics.

To this day, I feel like I need someone to say these things to me. When I was a teenager, adult men in the church pursued friendships with me that felt mutual at the time — I was hungry for theology, eager to serve, excited to find my place in God’s kingdom, and in positions of leadership on the praise team, in youth group, and teaching Sunday school. However, as an adult and now a parent looking back, I can see clearly that boundaries were crossed, and my mutual desire for those friendships did not mean I was the responsible party. The adult is always to be the boundary maker and keeper, no matter how mature, eager, or innocent the situation is. No matter how “minor” the friendship seems.

A few practical notes from what I have seen either faithfully walked out or lackadaisically ignored:

-Some leaders only met with students in more intimate groups when their spouses were present. On the other hand, some adults made efforts to “sidle up” for a one-on-one conversation which was really just a way to grasp at self-glory from the attention of a girl.

-Some leaders took kids who didn’t have a great home life under their wing when there was nothing tangible or intangible that child could offer them or their ego. On the other hand, some leaders offered more opportunities to “special” or well connected students.

-Some only wanted to make much of God and teach His Word, yet others seemed to want that to a degree, but there was always another desire tucked in with it that made it confusing to their young disciples.

Even as an adult, I still struggle when I think about my place in church with some “church hurt” in my past, as overused as that term has come to be. My hope is that this is a warning that might keep someone from going down a path they can’t come back from. God is a jealous God, and He will deal with usurpers of His glory when we stand before Him to give an account. Moreover, anyone who would be a leader will be held to an even higher standard, and woe to the person who leads astray any of Christ’s little ones.